Girl, Forsaken Read online

  Yeah, right.

  I should give into this sickness and let it take me while I’m still aware of my moral choices and beg Jackson to end my life just as lose my mind. I would welcome one of his stakes so I can end this parody of a life.

  The scent of the blood beckons me, so I bring one bag to my mouth and automatically my fangs descend and slice through the plastic. Damn it, it is just like sipping juice through a sippy straw, and the straws are my fangs and the blood dances on my tongue and drips down my throat. It’s a little cold and my next insane thought is that I should warm up the next one in the microwave. Quite logically and fantastically, I wonder if the plastic of the donation bag will hold up to the microwave. Maybe I should call Arsen and ask him.

  Am I screwed up or what?

  I feel a little better as the blood hits my stomach, and some semblance of normal thought returns. I’m still not happy and the chip on my shoulder is larger than a fucking planet. But at least I don’t want to run down the nearest unfortunate human and declare him or her lunch.

  Not now, anyway.

  A knock on my door jolts me from my reverie and I cautiously cross the room, but then catch the familiar scent from beyond the door.

  Jackson?

  “What do you want?” I say through the wood.

  “Let me in, please.”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “Have you eaten?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then it’s okay. Please.”

  I’m almost too ashamed to see him after my behavior less than an hour ago. But keeping him out would be the cherry on the sundae to my earlier treatment of him. With a sigh, I open the door a crack.

  “What do you want.”

  “I bear gifts.” He raises a plain paper bag and I catch a frisson of the scent of blood.

  “Where did you get those?”

  “Let me in and I’ll tell you.”

  I open the door and he steps inside. It’s not like he hasn’t been here before, but he scans the room as if it’s a place he’s never seen before.

  “Why are you here?”

  He shoves the bag at me.

  “I came to apologize. You’re right. I haven’t been holding up my end of the deal and my promises. From now on I will. It’s just, you know, hard, because I walk a fine line between—”

  “Your day job and your night job?”

  He nods. “Yes. And it’s my fault that you went a little crazy on me today because I didn’t do what I promised. From everything we know, as long as vamps feed, they aren’t driven to violence.”

  “Except for the sickness.”

  “Yes. Except for that. You’ve got to understand that you’ve presented me with a dilemma.”

  “That your best friend is now the thing you hate most?”

  “Damn it, Sasha. Stop finishing my sentences.”

  “You’re not telling me anything I don’t know. And you’re right. I am a monster.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “Yes, I am. My perceptions, my whole way of thinking is changing daily in a fundamental way. And it makes me dangerous. I can’t trust myself around any human.”

  He takes my hand, and I flinch. The warmth of it seeps into mine and I don’t know what to say. I want my own hand to be warm, to join with his, but his hand is as alien to me as mine is to him.

  He draws it away, his face flashing his discomfort.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Please, stop apologizing.”

  “It’s hard not to. I . . . I lost my best friend, and I—”

  “You can say it,” I say softly. “You want to cry.”

  He nods his head.

  “But big boys don’t cry, do they?”

  “I think I may have to make an exception,” he says.

  “I’ll grant it.”

  He looks up, surprised, and I arch an eyebrow as if it is in my province to grant such a thing, and he laughs.

  I sniff because the tears gather in my eyes as well, and while big girls do cry, I’m not so sure about vampires.

  Chapter 17

  After Jackson leaves, I throw the blood packs into my small cooler and head for Niko’s lab. I don’t want to see him or Dr. Asshat Judas, but I also know that Niko’s facility is better equipped than the one on campus.

  Free of my blood haze, I remember who I am and what I’m capable of. This isn't the end of the world. If anyone can get through this, it’s me. But I still need to be careful, and I need to work fast.

  If I’m combatting a virus and a parasite, one that’s strong enough to get past my immunity, it's even more dangerous than we thought. There are only two options behind the arrival of the zombie parasite. Either A: Someone likes to spread sickness and thought, ‘Hell, the more the merrier’; or B: Whoever is behind this knew of my immunity to the virus, and in turn introduced a parasite into the mix, one that even I can’t resist. I can't risk spreading this strain to anyone else and I doubt we'll find another miracle immune carrier like me. Or like I was. That was a one in a million chance to begin with.

  So I'm going into quarantine mode. It’s the only way to limit exposure.

  Unless it’s already out there. Fuck, I can’t think like that. Whatever happens to me, at least I won't willingly spread this to anyone else and cause a vampire apocalypse. Not to mention possibly hurting someone when this thing eats my brain and makes me into a feral monster. Not pleasant thoughts.

  If Niko knows I’m back here again, he doesn’t say, and I’m not about to announce my return. Instead, I focus on more upbeat concerns while I set up my quarantine area in the lab. Fortunately, Niko has splurged for all the additional advances I had recommended and has a hermetically sealed clean room. A simple plexiglass square with heavy airlock doors and privacy blinds, initially intended for safely observing quarantined patients and dealing with delicate samples. It's even got its own filtered air and water supply. However the sickness spreads, it won't be getting out of here. And, if I go crazy, I won't be getting out of it either.

  I set up a cot in one corner and a workstation in the other with my notes and anything else I think I might need for working through this. I snatch a mini fridge from a nearby break room to put my blood and samples in. I'll apologize to everybody whose drinks I left on the table later. For anything else, hopefully, Demetri will be able to pass me what I need through the airlock. I'll explain what is going on whenever he shows up. Not that he needs an explanation. He’s probably thrilled that I’m sick, sitting in a dark corner and strumming his fingers like a villain in cartoons.

  All set, I seal myself in and flop back onto the cot with a stack of research notes and a fresh blood pack. I haven't been reading long when my cell phone vibrates. I answer as soon as I see Arsen's name on the screen.

  "Hey, " he says as I pick up. "How are you?"

  "Good," I lie, deciding not to bring up the whole viral zombie parasite issue. This relationship thing we have going on has gone through enough of a rollercoaster lately without that bombshell. “You?”

  “I miss you.”

  I don’t know what to say. I want him, and the last time we saw each other, we left on good terms, but this is all still so ambiguous and complicated.

  “Where are you?” he asks, and I’m not sure I want to tell him.

  "In Niko’s lab."

  There’s a brief pause, and I have no doubt jealousy has reared its head again. I care for Arsen, deeply, but I don’t have time to soothe his ego—not with my potential impending doom—and the doom of an entire race hanging over my head.

  "You eaten tonight?" He steers the conversation back to calm waters.

  "Doing it right now, actually. Jackson brought me a stack of blood packs earlier. Apparently he's got the hook up."

  "Seriously?" Arsen says, sounding genuinely surprised. “I didn’t realize vampire hunters were inclined to provide meals for their enemies.”

  "Yeah, I told you he's okay once you get to know him," I say. "He'
s only an asshole to vampires."

  "Except you, apparently."

  "Well, the blood is kind of a bribe."

  "Figured there was a catch."

  We’ve fallen back into comfortable conversation, and I’m feeling safe enough to tell him about the idea Jackson discussed with me back at my place. “He wants to work with us. Figure out who’s behind the sickness and in turn, we help him take down dangerous vamps. Just the ones that shouldn't be around anymore."

  "And who decides which vampires don't deserve to live anymore?" Arsen asks pointedly. "Him?"

  "That's why we'll be helping him," I say, trying not to get defensive. "We can be the voice of reason. If he thinks a vamp is causing trouble we can try to solve it nonviolently first. And if they really are a danger and there's no other way . . ."

  "I don't like it."

  I sip my blood, thinking that I don't love the plan either, but I'm not sure what other compromise we could make.

  "Anyway," I say. I should hang up, but I find reassurance in hearing his voice. "I'm getting more comfortable with the whole blood-drinking thing."

  "Yeah?"

  "I've been sipping on this pouch like a Capri Sun for like five minutes. Just stuck a straw in there without even thinking about the fact that this used to be in a person. I'm just chilling, drinking human blood like it's Tropical Blast over here. Fucking Fruit Punch Super-V. I wonder how hard it would be to make human blood taste like Pacific Cooler? I bet I could make a fortune with that. File that away for later, when I'm not trying to cure a deadly monster plague."

  Arsen laughs and the sound brings a smile to my face. I love being able to make him laugh. Who knows how much longer I’ll be able to hear it? I’m not being Debbie Downer, just realistic. My undead life isn’t guaranteed. At least not anymore.

  "We'll see if anyone in the clan tries to snub you after you've saved them all from the plague and also supplied them with flavored drink options," Arsen says. "I told them you were incredible."

  "Flattery will get you everywhere," I tell him, smiling into my phone.

  "How about a date tonight? After you’re done?"

  I’m quiet for a moment as I think of the right way to phrase myself without taking us back fifty steps.

  "I can't," I tell him, the regret in my voice obvious." I'm stuck in the lab. Literally. I'm working with samples in the clean room and I'm sealed in until I'm done."

  Not technically a lie.

  “Can I take a rain check?"

  "Yeah, of course," Arsen says, trying to hide his disappointment. "I understand. Saving the entire vampire race is definitely more important than dating. Take all the time you need. I can wait. I have, and I will."

  "Thank you.”

  "No thanks necessary," he says, and I can hear the smile in his voice. "You're worth waiting for."

  He really is a good guy, and we still have major issues to sort out. I open my mouth, considering telling him the truth, buy those grim feelings from earlier returning. He should have the option to bail, shouldn't he? He shouldn't be waiting on someone who might go crazy and die any day.

  Before I can make a decision, my phone beeps to let me know I have an incoming call.

  "Hang on," I tell Arsen. "I've got another call."

  I check the number, my nose wrinkling as I recognize Niko's phone. I hit the decline call button with relish.

  "Who was it?" Arsen asks.

  "Niko." I say his name the way people describe what's on their shoes right after they step in dog shit. “Apparently his lazy ass can’t walk two hundred feet.”

  "Should you have taken the call?" Arsen asks, and there’s a hint of something else in his voice. "He is your sire, and your leader now."

  "Niko can suck a dick," I say. "I'm not beholden to him. I'm only here to find the cure and he knows it."

  "Hell, yeah, fight the power," Arsen laughs. "I ever tell you that you're cute as hell when you're pissed off?"

  "Well you would know, wouldn't you?" I tease him. "I don't think even Niko is as good at pissing me off as you are."

  "How can I resist?"

  "I think you just have a thing for being yelled at."

  "Maybe I do. Maybe when we finally get that date, we could test that theory."

  "Oh yeah?" I ask, skin warming at the implication. "You going to ask me to step on you?"

  "Depends," he replies. "If I buy you a leather corset and spike heels, will you wear them?"

  "I'll call it a strong maybe."

  "Yeah?"

  "Yeah. Depending on how good you are at begging."

  I hear a low, throaty chuckle on the other side of the phone.

  "What are you wearing?" he asks, and I grin and shut the privacy blinds on the inside of the clean room. I should get back to work. It’s not like I don’t have serious fucking business that needs to get taken care of, but this may be one of my last chances to have this with Arsen—and since I’ve become a vampire, I’ve become more selfish. So for one moment, I don’t fight the instinct. I give in and let the selfish desire take me where it may.

  I wake several hours later to the sound of the lab doors slamming, sitting up sharply in my cot, hair glued to the side of my face and blinking in confusion as I try to remember where the fuck I am. I'd turned off the lights in the clean room before I fell asleep and with the blinds shut, it's extra dark. Perks of vampirism: I can still see pretty well.

  I hear voices arguing in the lab and I stay put for a moment to listen when I recognize one of the voices as Nikolai.

  ". . . three new cases today," Niko says in a hushed growl. "If it spreads much further, we'll have an epidemic on our hands!"

  "What did you expect?" the other person responds, and I realize it's Demetri. "They're feeding on the same human population as all the other infected clans! There was bound to be a few cases."

  "A few controlled cases," Niko snaps. "Something we could deal with immediately. Not a dozen or more, springing up at random! If it starts spreading within the clan, we'll be in the same shape as everyone else."

  "I told you we should have waited until I had a vaccine prepared."

  "It would have looked too suspicious! Everyone in our clan gets a surprise booster shot and suddenly they're the only ones not getting sick? Besides, you’re the one who decided to go rogue and develop a parasite. I never agreed to that."

  I climb silently off the cot and cross the clean room as quietly as possible to peer through a crack in the blinds. Niko and Demetri are on the other side of the room near the doors, and Niko expression is murderous.

  "You can't have it both ways!" Demetri says with an exasperated gesture. "Do you want some of them getting sick or not?"

  "Some, not all! Not enough to put the clan at risk!"

  "I'm a scientist, not a magician! I can't control who this thing spreads to!”

  “And yet you can create a parasite with similar abilities? One to infect my woman?”

  “The parasite is more potent and ten times more effective. She needed to be controlled!”

  Niko slams a fist down. “I control her. It’s your job to control the other situation and keep her preoccupied, not to add to my problems.”

  “Sasha is the only one with the parasite. If the others come into contact with infected vampires from other clans, or feed on humans who've had contact with infected, they can become infected themselves. I can't stop that from happening until I have a vaccine."

  "Then make one," Niko demands with a snarl, leaning into Demetri's personal space.

  "I am trying," Demetri answers, not backing down. "I'd be working faster if you weren't constantly interrupting to berate me. And if I wasn't saddled with your little pet . . . I’m not the idiot who chose to release a virus without a cure prepared."

  Niko grabs Demetri so quickly I almost don't see it and throws the scientist across the room. Demetri slams into the wall of the clean room, shaking the blinds, and slides to the floor. I dart quickly out of the way, hoping I’m not seen, but
Niko is too angry to notice he's being watched. He stalks across the lab, takes Demetri by the throat and drags him to his feet, shoving him against the Plexiglass of the clean room wall.

  "You have forgotten who you are speaking too," Niko says, his voice dangerously quiet, while Demetri chokes and kicks. "Do not mistake my tolerance of your daily disrespect for dependence. I could snap your head off right now and find a dozen other men to take your place. Disposing of you would be a tedious but incredibly minor inconvenience, which you should be immeasurably grateful that I am not currently in the mood to undertake. You will develop a cure. You will do it as quickly as possible. And when my plague has wiped out the Draugur and made us wealthy and powerful beyond our wildest dreams, you will thank me for allowing you to do something meaningful with your otherwise completely worthless waste of an existance. Is that understood?"

  Demetri nods quickly and Niko drops him, letting him fall to the bottom of the clean room wall again. Niko heads toward the door, apparently done with the conversation. I stay where I am, hidden in the shadows of the dark clean room, watching them through the blinds.

  "She's a liability now," Demetri says through his coughing, voice strained. "Your pet, she should be burned with the other infected. Do at least that much and free me of her constant interference. She's past her usefulness anyway. Once the parasite runs its course, you won't be able to control her anymore."

  Niko pauses for a moment and then looks back at Demetri.

  "When the time comes," he says, "I'll deal with Sasha myself. If I can tolerate you, then you can tolerate her a little longer. Consider her presence motivation to finish the cure. After all, there's nothing stopping her from infecting you, too, right?"

  With that, Niko leaves. I watch, shaking, as Demetri slowly drags himself to his feet, tense with anger. He grips a counter for stability, trying to calm himself, then gives in and hurls the nearest piece of lab equipment at the door.

  I watch him throw a tantrum, terrified he'll find me where I'm hiding. But once he's trashed enough to soothe his ego, he grabs his coat and a few of his notes and storms out.